Clean Break
by CosmicLove23
Summary: A take on Faith's thoughts and feelings leading up to her arrival in SunnyD - reviews def welcome - be gentle with me, this is my first one.


Faith always knew she was dirt. Her good ole mum told her every day of her Faith's miserable life until that last hair of the dog that bit Patricia Lehane back.

When her mum checked out Faith was a little sad for a while. Sad for being alone and having to explain to anyone that would bother to ask.

But mostly, Faith was angry. Angry that her pops took off before she was four years old. Angry that he never ever checked in on how his little girl was doing. Angry that on the one time she had a some cash saved up for the new fun fair in town – that she saw her old man with his new family. A beautiful wife and two kids – a boy and a girl just a little younger than her. All pristine and clean. Whilst she stood there with cotton candy stuck to her grubby little fingers. Always knew she was dirt.

The fact that her father never gave two shits about her wasn't the thing that made her angry the most – the way Faith figured it; her dad booked on her mum and not her. Its not like he really got the chance to know her and then decided that she was a waste of time. No. That was her mother.

If Patty could ever feel they sheer weight of faith's anger for her – it would drown her. It would completely devour her whole, leaving nothing but an empty pack of menthols and a half bottle of scotch.

Faithy was all spurts of anger and rage in the weeks after patty shuffled off of this mortal coil. Most put it down to her blaming her mother for her death. It was not. Sure, having a four way with Jack, Jim and Jonny whilst self-medicating – will definitely have a negative effect on anyone's liver – but the one thing – the only thing Faith and her mum had in common; at times – they thought they were invincible.

Patty, as it happens, was not.

And faith did not give a fuck that her mother had chosen to drink herself to death. Faith was angry that she never had a mother to begin with. Not really. Sure her mother provided a roof for her and food – sometimes. But it came at a price. Prices that were far too high and that she had not agreed to – yet she still had to pay.

Pay by having to dig through the neighbours' trash when her mum had decided that the money for food was better spent on booze and drugs. Pay by having to sleep with a chair under her door handle so she would not get another late night visit from either Carl/Ben/Jeb/ or any other loser her mother decided to hook up with this time.

Pay by having to act like a delinquent or a clown in school to get the teacher to ask her to leave so they would not see how tired she was from staying up all night watching – waiting for the door handle to twitch. Or so they would not hear her stomach grumble or the way she would sway because it had almost been a week since she had a proper meal, unless you count a half-eaten bagel she swiped from someone's tray in the cafeteria before they threw it away.

At 15 Faith thought that she was through with paying high prices for things that definitely weren't worth it. She also thought that she was done with the anger too. She was wrong.

Diana Dormer came into Faith's tearing away all that Faith thought to be true. Initially, Faith thought that it was all for show – because she was the chosen one and it was Diana's job. Like the teachers at school that accepted a shrug and 'I walked into a door' when another bruised showed up – just going through the motions and not really giving a shit. But Di was different.

Di gave faith a place to stay and treated her with respect. She didn't speak to Faith as if she were trash. She spoke to her as if she was a young adult who knew herself and what she wanted. She gave Faith options – she never told her what to do – just told her what she could do. What she was capable of. Di knew that she could not wipe away all the horrors that Faith had experienced but she showed her that despite all the shit that she went through, Faith had not been beaten down and that she always found a way to fight through. No matter what.

With Diana at her side, the anger slowly disappeared. Melted away. It was replaced with this thing that it took Faith a while to realise what it was. Faith was happy. Faith could sleep with the door unlocked. If there was no food in the house, it was because Diana had been researching so much that she had forgotten to go grocery shopping – not because she was wasted on coke and JD. No big, faith could do it.

Faith would go to school and could actually concentrate. She even considered maybe going to college. Sure, the average life span with someone of her profession wasn't really all that long – but for once in her life she thought that maybe she wouldn't end up like her moms.

Life was pretty sweet for a while. Diana had given her so much; a home, family, love. Without realising it, Diana had saved her life.

But Faith could not save Diana's.

As that sick fuck tore away at Di's flesh her pale blue eyes bore into Faith's. Frozen in fear; fear for her life, fear for Diana's. But mostly fear of living without Di as she knew that no one could survive for very long with the intestines trailing around their feet. Di's last words to faith; Run. Faith did and it seemed that she never stopped.

Faith ran. She ran and ran until she saw that welcome to sunnydale sign. Faith knew herself. She knew that she was toeing the line. She was walking a tightrope above two options. One side was to let the love and dreams that she created with Di live on. Then there was the other side; the side where she drank herself into a grave and destroying everyone and everything in her path on her way to her own destruction.

Faith wanted better. She knew she was better than that. She wasn't dirt. She was strong and she made the right choices. The cuts and bruises she had acquired were not from the receiving end from her moms or one of her many men – they were from fighting evil and saving lives.

Faith knew she was never gonna be the best slayer – that was okay, she just wanted to be the best version of herself, for Diana. Di believed in her when most never even gave her a second thought. Di showed Faith something that she never thought possible; that she could be loved. She could be accepted and she could be a part of something bigger than herself – and Faith wanted that so very much.

As the bus pulled into Sunnydale bus station – Faith thought to herself that it didn't seem so bad. Maybe she could carve out some sort of a home. She didn't mind playing second in command –in fact she would welcome it - if it meant that she would not be on her own – and from she had heard, this slayer had friends to help her. She could be a part of that. Yes, she could be a part of that.


End file.
